


commuovere

by racooning



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Choi Soobin-Centric, Failed confession, Feelings Realization, M/M, Mild Sexual Tension, Mutual Pining, Poor Soobin, Predebut - Post Debut, aka a fic where sookai love to touch each other, kai understands, soobin is at his limit, they talk in a language they're familiar with
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26128750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racooning/pseuds/racooning
Summary: (p.) to stir, to touch, to move to tears.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 20
Kudos: 96





	commuovere

It’s not that Soobin _isn't_ an affectionate person, he’s just... a different sort of affectionate, a physical person in a different way than most, more than anything else.

Trained to be one of the best idols and raised to make a brilliant leader, the different teachings tangled themselves together in his head—a level head, and emotions to be bitten back while discussing things of grave importance, which leaves him without words to express aggravation and relief and happiness most of the time when it comes to personal affairs. And so indeed, warm hugs and playful punches and slaps and handshakes and squeezes and lingering fingers spell out _cheer up_ and _I was worried_ and _I'm angry_ and _I'm hurt_ and _I don't know what I'd do if I lost you_ and even _I love you_ **far** better and easier than actual words do half the time.

It—those touches— _is_ a familiar language for Soobin, an easy one, and it never leaves him feeling bashful or embarrassed or shy the way actual words do sometimes.

And when someone comes into Soobin's life who _doesn't_ seem to understand the language of those touches, it’s usually simple enough to disentangle himself from them, to engage with them with a careful tongue and awkward distance to keep his hands from desperately trying to teach them a fluency they’re not meant to grasp.

Until Huening Kai comes along, that is.

_Kai_ , who is training with him day in and day out and yet _still_ does not seem to understand that playful slaps and thrown pillows and the occasional hip pinching are never meant to be malicious actions. _Kai_ , whose tongue is quick, and touches are fleeting and careful in a way Soobin doesn't understand some days, that feels like the touch of a stranger and little more sometimes, that _could_ have felt like something _else_ sometimes, if Soobin thinks about it long and hard enough.

But that’s not… enough.

It’s not the same language Soobin understood. Strangers touches, Kai touches, are... far too foreign for Soobin to _really_ decipher. And besides that, Kai touches are far too few and in between for his liking, for him to get used to, though enough months have passed that Soobin _should_ have been a bit more fluent in Kai's touches than he is, he also thought _Kai_ should have been fluent enough in _his_ touches as well. But, ah, Kai is more verbal, wasn't he? Always... _talking_.

Soobin isn't like that.

Pep talks are one thing, getting his members prepared for the dreaded evaluations, addressing their faults and shortcomings—speaking of things concerning his job as the leader and a friend is _easy;_ the sort of things that falls from Kai's tongue some days, however, are... a bit more difficult for him to grasp often, a bit more difficult to adjust to at first.

But he _wants_ to. He doesn't **_want_** to untangle his life from Kai's, doesn't want to keep that distance between them or keep his hands from trying to teach him a language Soobin has been fluent in his entire life, he wants to communicate with Kai perfectly in his own language, wants to make Kai understand what he means, wants to be able to understand Kai's own language and be able to communicate with him by every means that he could.

And God, has he tried.

And day after day, month after month, he wonders how long until Kai will catch on to the fact that every time his hands found the back of his head or his shoulder or arm or even his hand, that it means more than it should have. He also wonders how long until he would catch on to Kai's language, how long until he could even whisper the words he wants to say to Kai in the darkness of his room without stuttering and losing his nerve—he’s the _leader for god’s sake,_ _his_ _leader,_ why is it so hard for him to say those three small words?

And why is it so hard for Kai to understand that in everything Soobin does, he’s as good as said the words _anyway?_ They are _there_ , they are just... there in Soobin's language rather than Kai's.

Why, after all this time, is there still this barrier between them, this obstacle that Soobin can't seem to get through or around no matter how he tries?

.

"Soobin-hyung?" Kai murmurs in that way of his, flitting about and carefully removing Soobin's clothes from him after arriving back home from another meeting with the company. He’s been doing this a lot ever since he’d found Soobin collapsed in their living room last week, totally exhausted and out of his mind to even take care of himself. His fingers are careful and never lingering for too long at a time, but to be honest, the only thing that’s going to soothe his aching skin and calm the jitter in his blood would be Kai's delicate fingers pressing into the bare skin of his biceps.

“Hyung?” he calls again, this time softer. “Can I ask you something?”

Kai's touch doesn't stay on him any longer than it needs to, so the ache and jitter remain as they always do as he sighs back quietly.

Soobin closes his eyes. “What is it, Kai?"

"Are you alright?" he asks, settling the last of Soobin's clothes on the table and looking over it for a moment before he walks back over to Soobin and helps him with his hair, everything aching as he does so. His hair is a mess but Kai would make it better—of course, he would, Soobin knows, his touch fixes _everything_ , and he’s jealous, for a moment, that his body seems to know that before his heart does.

"I know that you’re not really the best with…. this whole leader thing." Kai pauses when Soobin remained silent, "You might think that you’re terrible at this but you’re not. You did good. A good leader. Everyone thinks so. I know so." he finishes, his voice stern and steady and still somehow soft and reassuring at once.

He doesn't have anything to say, however, that Soobin doesn't already know. So Soobin shakes his head instead of answering just then, eyes lingering on Kai's as he sits in front of Soobin’s bed, waiting for a verbal reply or answer of some sort. He knows Kai is waiting, but the words wouldn’t even come under any normal circumstances, let alone a moment like _this_ , and he’s sure Kai has to know that by now.

The dimmed light and Kai's suddenly too pretty gaze, prettier than he remembers, remind Soobin of the ache in his chest, across his arms and shoulders and back, some of it from the long hours of training, some of it simply from losing too many hours of sleep in too short a period, of disappointment and regret weighing him down in a way that makes him want nothing more than to collapse into bed already.

"I know that," he manages, at last, nodding simply before he brings his hands up to grab Kai by the shoulders, muscles protesting as he does so, squeezing before he lets them fall again from him. In the moment before he turns away from him, Soobin can’t help but wonder whether Kai knows the easy squeeze to his shoulders was filled with all the appreciation and adoration that Soobin can manage to express in this tired, aching moment.

Though he’s sure Kai knows the answer, Soobin is also sure that it’s not the answer he would exactly like.

.

Soobin is so used to Kai not touching him enough, is so used to Kai not understanding what his touches meant, that he doesn't know what to make of it one afternoon after a training session when one of Kai's hands found his stomach and gave a light squeeze, lingering and rather unnecessary, some might say, but when it’s coupled with a nod of his head and a small smile... Soobin knows all too instantly what it means.

He just... doesn't know if _Kai_ knows what it meant, doesn't know if he's done it on purpose, or if it has been a fluke or.

_Or._

There is always the chance that he has done it on purpose, that he knows what he’s doing and what Soobin would read into it. There’s just... always that chance.

.

Soobin keeps a close eye on Kai after that simple moment, pays closer attention to what he does and how he touches Soobin, because well… just because he doesn't touch Soobin in the way that Soobin likes or the way he’s used to doesn't mean he doesn't touch Soobin _at all_. And suddenly, after a day or two of observing and watching and paying attention, Soobin realizes that Kai touches him far more often than he’s aware of.

When he pulls Soobin from sleep, his hands are on him until the moment he’s awake enough to function; when he fixes his clothes and hair, his fingers burned and soothed at once on Soobin's skin, always stuck on expenses that don't need tending to while Soobin is distracted by the parts that _do_.

When Soobin is busy at his thoughts and tasks he doesn't always want to be left alone with, Kai is often nearby, moving about the room and passing by Soobin as often as he can, a fleeting touch to his shoulder or the back of his neck that he doesn't notice until he starts looking for it, until he starts expecting it.

Soobin's touches are _there_ , are done without apology, with the intention that Kai needs to understand them, decipher them, know them and that he’s leaving them with Kai, expressing something in them, but Kai's touches are stolen, are careful and almost hidden, and that’s...

Soobin doesn't know _what_ that is.

All he knows is that he knows where to look for Kai's touches now, and that’s all that mattered. Soobin doesn't always know what they mean, but knowing they are there, simply there, is half the battle. He thinks he can figure out just what they mean... well, later, he supposes.

For now, he is content to just know they are there; for now, that is enough.

.

Until it’s not.

Until he _can't_ figure out what the touches mean. And then just knowing they are there isn't enough.

Does Kai know that he knows about them? Does he ever think Soobin would catch on to them, would ever notice or wonder over them? Does he _want_ Soobin to notice or know or ask about them? Soobin isn't going to ask, of course, _naturally_.

But, he decides one morning with Kai's fingers brushing against his stomach, he can always _return_ the touches.

It’s an idea that goes into action _immediately._ _S_ oobin isn’t even thinking when he brushes his fingers against Kai's when he reaches up to pat the soft skin beneath his hoodie. Kai pulls his hands back instantly as his face begins to turn red, his round cheeks giving in a tint of pink like his favorite strawberry-filled mochi. Unsurprising enough, Kai doesn’t touch him again for the rest of the day, but it’s a start, Soobin thinks.

A start that quickly turns into Soobin's hand snapping up from his laptop to the hand at the back of his neck whenever Kai passes by him, into him leaning into the careful touches when Kai is playing with his hair or applying some pain relief patches on his back, the said pain feels like nothing when he considers that Kai is actually _touching_ him in those moments.

And eventually, it seems that Kai too has started returning Soobin's touches as well, starts leaving more and more unsaid with words and more said in the way he grips at Soobin's hand before their dreaded team evaluation, tight and warm than anyone could ever be; in the way he returns the hugs Soobin engulfs him in after said evaluation with much more enthusiasm than he used to; in the way he bumps his hip or shoulder back against Soobin's whenever he walks or stands by him.

It’s... kind of obvious that Kai is coming to understand Soobin's touches, as Soobin is coming to understand his.

If only Soobin can start using his words in the same way that Kai still very much does... well, then everything will be _perfect_.

.

It’s normal after a while for Kai's fingers to trail over Soobin's bare shoulders and arms when he’s too tired to even give a fuck, for his touch to trail over his stomach in a way that makes Soobin bite his lip; that’s a line neither of them has ever crossed or attempted to cross, is a line Soobin is almost _afraid_ to cross. Their touches could be seen as rather close at times, but _sexual_... Well.

That’s a new territory that Soobin isn't sure Kai would _want_ to explore. And never mind that, actually, he thinks, because if Soobin can't even tell Kai that he loves him, he doesn't know how he’s going to cross _that_ line either.

"Soobin-hyung..." Kai begins suddenly, fingers running across Soobin's stomach from hip to hip in a careful way that sends a shiver down Soobin's spine.

"Mhm...?"

"Have you ever thought about..." his fingers stills and grips at Soobin's bare hips in a way that makes him want to just forget everything and just takes and takes and _takes_ everything he could from Kai but he knows he can’t; he shouldn’t. Soobin bites back his growl, _barely_ able to focus on Kai's words as he continues to speak, "Maybe..." he pauses suddenly, face flushes as one of his hands moves from his hip, travels down to trace over his clothed thigh, far nearer to his groin than Soobin thinks his touch has ever been before.

As his breath is caught in his throat, Kai's beautiful eyes find Soobin's, coy and wondering and almost shy; innocent. He blinks prettily, and Soobin can’t do anything but nod without sound.

"I... _yeah_ ," Soobin nods again. "All the time—or, not _all_ the time, but often enough," he gulps down, reminding himself all the times he tried to hold himself back from just pressing Kai to any hard surface and have his way with him; all the times he tried to close his eyes to the image of Kai’s perfect, unblemished skin and wide hips; all the times he tried to forget the way he’s always looking at him with those hooded, sleepy eyes, full of things he can’t understand. There were too many times, too many examples of why Soobin is one of the most patient around, but there were also many times where he’d almost failed and Kai must have realized that.

"So why haven't you ever done anything about it?" Kai asks with a hint of a whine, hand moving to its rightful spot on Soobin's belly once again. It’s funny how air coming easier to Soobin once it does.

Soobin groans then, " _You're_ the one who brought it up, why haven't _you_?"

" _You're_ the one always... _touching_ me. I think of the two of us, you're the one more likely to... initiate something like that," Kai pouts like a child he is.

"You say that like _you_ haven't been touching me plenty yourself lately."

"I've only been doing that because... well _you_ started it," he insists with a grin on his face. "You couldn't just tell me you wanted me to... hold your hand or that you were afraid of losing me or that you were happy to see me or... whatever it _is_ you're trying to tell me half the time— _no_ —you’re so... _thick_. Can't just tell someone you love them, you have to make them guess at it. _Honestly_ ," Kai huffs and fuck he’s still the cutest thing Soobin has ever seen in his twenty-years of life.

"Hey!" he exclaims suddenly, indignant and embarrassed at once, heart thudding loudly in his chest. "Who the hell—how did you—you don't just get to make my confession _for_ me, now when I say _I love you,_ it's not going to be as big a moment or mean as much. And how the hell did you already know?" he demands with narrowed eyes.

Kai gives him another wry look and moves his hands from Soobin’s belly before he shakes his head.

"I know you are... very fond of touching, but you wouldn't let Jjuni-hyung or Beom-hyung or Hyun run their fingers over your neck or stomach or down your back in the way that you let me—and I know for _damn sure_ that you wouldn't brush your fingers over their collarbones or lean into their touches so... affectionately. I'm not _actually_ an idiot, Soobin-hyung."

Soobin opens his mouth, though no reply came to him, those are... good points, of course, all _true_.

"And, _Soobin_ ," Kai begins again, taking obvious advantage of Soobin's silence to drop all formalities, his tone much more gentle now, "Any time you're ready to make your confession, I... well, I'll _pretend_ to act surprised, if you want. And it will _still_ be a big moment, will still mean as much, I promise you," he finishes, a small, adorable smile on his face as he does so.

Soobin nods once, allows silence to take over the room for a long moment as he considers Kai's words, his options. Kai already knows _everything_ , there’s no use denying it or going on trying to pretend none of it has happened or been said. Besides that, he suddenly _really_ wants to press Kai against his bed and kisses him, _marks_ him with his touches and _more_. Soobin can't very well do _that_ if he tries to pretend that he **doesn't** love Kai—and he can't have _that_ , can't _not_ kiss Kai or confess his love in his own way and words...

Words have to mean something now.

With something of a smile on his face, he shakes his head at last and reaches his hands out, one to rest on Kai's waist, pulling him closer, the other to brush his thumb just under his jaw.

"This might come as something of a _shock_ to you, Kai," he begins slowly, teasingly. "But... I love you, and I _swear_ it would have been better if you hadn't said it first, but _no_ , you just _had_ —"

The rest of his tease is cut off rather abruptly by Kai surging forward to kiss him, one hand moving to cup Soobin's cheek, and the other settling near his chest, gripping at his hoodie tight.

"Idiot hyung," Kai murmurs when he pulls back for a short moment, Soobin's head swimming with the kiss he's been left with and making him tug Kai back for another kiss rather than retorting.

After, Kai says, forehead resting against Soobin's, his eyes the prettiest shade of brown and lips all shiny any pink and just so… _kissable_ , "I'm not sure how to say this," he grins, "but... I love you too, I—"

This time, it’s Soobin who interrupts Kai's perfectly good words by leaning towards him for a kiss, lips right and careful and savoring the moment as Kai's fingers burn all the while against his skin, his touch perfect, and all too understandable, at last.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a shy person so i never left a note before.... but i hope you like this one as much as i do because this might be the best fic i've ever written. please leave a comment or two i'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts ♥


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